Horoscopes
by DaisKuruna
Summary: This is what happens when you're bored and have a copy of The Onion in your hands. This is also what happens when you're procrastinating and choose not to study. WARNING: There is a very mild mention of yaoi/slash because I'm a dork,that's pretty much i


Alright, some background info for this story. I have a book called "The Darkside Zodiac" and I took what I knew about the personalities of each character and put it to a zodiac sign that I thouht fit best. They are NOT the actual birthdates for the Ronins and Warlords, just clearing that up now. After I put them to their darkside zodiac signs, I was reading the Onion, and the horoscopes in this story are the ACTUAL horoscopes in that issue of the Onion. Also, about how the characters interact, I tend to put a few yaoi moments into my stories because I think it's cool, so please, do NOT read if you're just going to leave a review or something about how "disgusting" you think it is. It is in there because it made me giggle...that and it's the Warlords, you know they'd try to make the Ronins slightly uncomfortable, even if they're techinically getting along. And last, but not least, I DO NOT OWN RONIN WARRIORS!! If I did, the Warlords would have turned against Talpa almost immediately and kicked his booty, thus ending the whole show after maybe 2 episodes....^-^; yeah...

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"Hey Hardrock, what are you reading?" Dais asked inquisitively as he peeked over Kento's shoulder and the back of the couch.

Kento jumped slightly then chuckled. "It's called The Onion. It's a fake newspaper that takes real stories and screws them up on purpose. It's meant to be funny."

"Hardrock can read?" Sekhmet asked sarcastically as he walked into the room with Ryo and Cye not far behind.

"Haha. Very funny, Sekhmet." Kento made a face. "Yes I can read, just not very fast."

"What are horo-scopes?" Dais asked as he pointed to the page that Kento was on.

"Well…the normal versions of American horoscopes tell what might happen that week, day, or month. In The Onion, American horoscopes are usually just something to laugh at."

"I don't get it." Sekhmet said as Sage and Rowen came down the stairs, and Cale and Anubis walked in the door.

"Don't get what?" Anubis asked.

"I'm just trying to explain American horoscopes in The Onion to Sekhmet and Dais. "Kento said. "I'll try another way. Anyone know an Aries?" The four Warlords just gave him blank looks. Kento sighed. "Do you know someone who was born March 21st and April 19th?" All four Warlords nodded. "Well, normally, American horoscopes are something nice like 'good things will happen to you today,' but in this week's issue of The Onion, Aries' horoscope is 'It's great that you've been treating your body like a temple, but maybe you should try switching to a faith that doesn't worship mayonnaise quite so much!'"

There was a moment of silence before Cale snorted, Anubis and Sekhmet chuckled, and Dais made a noise in the back of his throat. "That fits." Dais said with a smirk on his face. "Don't you think so, guys?" he asked the other three people not looking at him strangely.

Cale nodded and almost giggled, Sekhmet did giggle, and Anubis answered him, "Oh yes," before dissolving into a fit of quiet laughter.

"I don't get it." all five Ronin Warriors said.

"On what is now known as April 2nd, roughly 3000 years ago," Dais said, "a man that we all know was born. This man's name was Talpa." He covered his mouth with a hand and tried not to laugh at their gob-smacked faces. "Wouldn't you say it fits?"

There was a moment of silence as the Ronins let this new information sink in, then all of them started to laugh. First Anubis, the Cale, then Sekhmet, and finally Dais added their laughter to the mix as Mia came up from the basement with a load of laundry. _It's good to hear them all getting along for once…_ she thought to herself as she headed up to their rooms.

"That's funny, man!" Kento exclaimed after everyone had calmed down. "Alright, know anyone born between April 20th and May 20th?"

"Kayura," Anubis said with a nod. "Roughly May 1st, I think."

"Okay," Kento said, "her sign is Taurus. Her horoscope for this week is 'The brown-throated sloth often emits a loud, shrill screech during mating season, which explains why so many of them will gather at your recital next week.'"

Dais snorted almost violently. "That fits. The woman couldn't sing if she were chanting!"

Anubis, Cale, and Sekhmet nodded as they grinned. "She really can't sing." they said simultaneously.

"Okay," Rowen said, "my birthday is May 31st. That makes me a Gemini. What's my horoscope?"

"'Your new scientific invention won't save any lives, but that's not why you built the Cancer-Filled-Syringe in the first place.'" Kento grinned. "That's definitely you, Ro."

"True, true." Rowen said with a smirk. "But I wouldn't really do that."

"We hope!" Cye and Sage piped up. Rowen tackled them and a fight ensued.

When the fight had been broken up, Kento looked at Cale and Anubis. "Since I don't know anyone born between June 22nd and July 22nd, I'm asking you guys."

Cale raised his hand. "It really doesn't make any sense when you consider the fact that the season my Armor is affiliated with is winter, but my birthday equates to July 12th."

"That makes you a Cancer." Kento said. "Your horoscope is 'While you believe it to be the gentlemanly thing to do, opening trapdoors for women actually makes you a giant asshole.'"

Cale blinked for a moment before getting elbowed by Anubis. "Okay, sure, I would open doors for women…and then probably laugh." He grinned toothily. "Especially if it was Kayura."

"My turn!" Ryo hollered. "Born August 8, so I'm a Leo."

Dais gave Ryo a strange look. "'The stars foresee wedding bells in your future, though they'll have less to do with an upcoming wedding, and more to do with you becoming a hunchbacked monster.'" he read over Kento's shoulder.

"Hey," Ryo protested, "does it really say that?"

"I'm afraid so, Ryo." Kento shrugged.

"Damn" was Ryo's only response as he threw some wood in the fireplace and started a fire.

"Cye's birthday is September third, which is why he got stuck with us loonies in school." Kento shook his head. "Virgo's horoscope is 'You've never been very good with technology, making this week's unstoppable killing machine especially difficult for you to handle.'" He paused for a second. "I can vouch for that one. Cye's always crashing my computer, and my watch almost never works around him." Cye stuck his tongue out at Kento.

Sage stepped forward and craned his neck trying to read the paper. "I just barely made the cut for being a Libra instead of a Virgo. I was born about 2am on September 23rd."

"'The strange men in lab coats will continue to refuse your desperate and agonizing pleas for water this week.'" Kento frowned slightly. "Creepy, man…"

"Do you guys know anyone born between October 24th and November 21st?" Kento asked as he looked from one Warlord to the next. Silence reigned as the clock ticked and the fire crackled.

Sekhmet fidgeted. "Dais was born on what the few Christians of our time called All Hallow's Eve; I believe you call it Halloween now. Doesn't that fall on October 31st?" He scooted away from the white-haired man, who was contemplating murder, and towards the now roaring fire. "Sorry, Dais."

"Well…that's a Scorpio, so…'Creative fulfillment will finally be yours this Thursday when the ping-pong ball bounces off the wall, ricochets over the pool table, and lands squarely inside that red plastic cup.'"

Dais tilted his head to one side and thought about it, then shrugged. "Yeah, probably…"

"I was born on December 12, so I'm a Sagittarius. My horoscope is 'You will soon take a number of secrets to your grave, the largest of which will be how family members will afford to pay for your funeral.'" Kento blinked. "Sad…"

Anubis looked Kento in the eyes. "I was born on what amounts to January 19th and Sekhmet was born, basically, on February 16th." he said before Kento could ask.

"Okay. Anubis, you're a Capricorn. 'It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to choose a new nanny.'" Kento said. Anubis snickered and shook his head. "Aand…Sekhmet's an Aquarius. 'You will scream the name of a loved one from the rooftops this week. Unfortunately for you, she'll still refuse to let you back into the apartment.'"

Sekhmet blinked as everyone chuckled and snickered. He gave Cye a side-long glance. "Well…if it said 'he'll still refuse' then I might believe it." Everyone stared at him before bursting into laughter.

Mia came down the stairs and bopped Kento on the head with the empty laundry basket, narrowly missing Dais as he slipped out of the way. "What about my horoscope, Kento? I'm a Pisces, born between February 19th and March 20th, and I am not telling you the day."

Kento fumbled with the paper for a second. "'Every time one door closes another door always opens. However, note that the stars said "door" and not "padlocked iron gate."' Anything else, Mia?"

"Yeah, anyone want to help me with dinner?"

"I will, Miss Koji." Dais and Sekhmet volunteered in tandem.

"I still think it's creepy when they do that." Cye said as he followed them. Cale and Sage headed to the dojo to spar a bit before dinner, Rowen headed upstairs to grab a book, and Ryo took White Blaze outside as Mia headed into the kitchen.

Kento turned to Anubis. "Is Dais' birthday really October 31st?"

Anubis nodded. "He just doesn't want anyone to know because-"

"But that only gives me two weeks to put a party together!" Kento cried as he sped out of the room.

"-he hates parties…." Anubis finished his sentence in an empty room. He sighed and went up to his room to reread a scroll he'd found in the Dynasty Library.

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Thanks for reading this crazy whacked up story!! I always appreciate reviews, and I'll give you a cookie if you do! XD


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